Because it is close to Halloween I thought talking about energy suckers would be a good topic. You know who I am talking about! Those emotionally draining people that when they have a problem, everyone has a problem, and it is NEVER their fault. These are people that expect you to hear them out but if it is you that has a problem they are not the least bit interested in what you have to say. You always “owe them” in some way. They remember everything they have ever done for you and will bring it up (Even if years have passed) to guilt you into doing something for them. I call them “Emotional Vampires”
Most people with chronic illnesses are The highly sensitive person (Click on the link to learn more about being highly sensitive) and we also have a hard time saying “No!” because we are type A personalities and people pleasers. When we come into contact with an emotional vampire it is physically and mentally exhausting because it is all about them and there is no room for how you feel or any advise you give them. If at anytime you try to talk about what is going on in your life. The conversation quickly is turned back to the subject of them. They have no time to deal with anyone else but themselves. When in the presence of these emotional vampires we slowly feel our life-force energy draining away. Emotional vampires are narcissist and very manipulative, having mastered the art of manipulation. They know how to suck us into their distorted reality and keep us there like pray.
Their motto is “Me first.” Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They’re dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don’t do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.
~Judith Orloff, M.D
So how do we deal with emotional vampires? When we come to the understanding that we can not change anyone else and we can only change how we react to people it is much easier to deal with people like this. If you have the belief that if you love them enough or are patient enough they will change it is just a vicious cycle and a lie to yourself. Emotional vampires are very emotionally abusive and if you show any weakness around them they will make you their next victim. It is your choice if you let this happen or not! Don’t invite them in! If you don’t invite them in, they are unable to enter. What does that mean? People teach people how to treat them. When someone is using you up, it is often because at some point you opened the door to it. Once a Emotional vampire is in, it is difficult to get them out. At some point, you may just have to say “STOP!” You can also “wake them up.” Say for instance the emotional vampire is a coworker that always wants you to drop everything you are doing to help them without any consideration for your time. They see the pile of papers on your desk but once again it is all about them and their problem. If they continually interrupt you can say. “What project would you like me to drop right now so I can help you?” Let them know your time is valuable. If the emotional vampire is a neighbor, friend, or family member that you have to stay in contact with and they are not respecting your time and going on and on and on and on….. You need to set boundaries. Explain to them that you would be happy to sit down and talk to them for about 10 or 15 mins but you have other things to do today. They normally do not care what you have to do or your boundaries so you have to be very firm with them when you set those boundaries. When that time is up it is up!
These type of people are very difficult to deal with and it is best if you just don’t deal with them at all. I know there are times we have to but you have to weigh the the negative consequences of emotionally draining people. Is it worth your emotional well being to continue to connect with this person? Is it worth the physical pain you will endure for the stress and manipulation this person will cause. There is one thing that is for sure! They are not going to be the one that changes! The changes will have to come from you!
Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.
~Elizabeth Bowen~
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This is good advice however, if the emo vampire is a dear friend – I have a very hard time NOT caring or trying to help or just listen. Yes, it is very draining and I often get asked by my spouse why I let myself get involved. My answer is usually a shrug of my shoulders because I really don’t know other than she is a longtime friend and I love her dearly. I empathize with her and try to help any way I can. But I do have to say if I find myself repeating the advice to a point where I know it’s going in one ear and out the other I will back off and not participate in the woe is me party because I know then that my advice is not being taken seriously or maybe not even heard. I guess what I am trying to say is that with particular close friends (or family) you have to kinda weigh the situation. Hope this makes sense!
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Boy,can I relate to that!Mary,I know how you feel also.Setting boundries with that person is essential,even if they don’t know what you are doing.Caller ID is a life saver.If you’re not up to the call,let the machine get it.I now choose to not respond to negative people.Toxic people who always have nasty things to say or have a terrible outlook on everything no matter what.I use to feel guilty but not anymore!My time is valuable and no matter how terrible I feel,I try and focus on being greatful every day.Not saying I never have a melt down or a bad day but I never wallow in it for days.I like what was in another post here on being Happy while in chronic pain.I now choose to be happy!
I used to attract very needy people into my life, because I wanted to be needed so badly. some of them were total vampires! Once I learned what my part of the problem was, it was easier to recognize the vampires and put serious limits on them. Once I wasn’t so readily available to everyone, it was amazing how quickly the users and vampires dropped out of my life. The ones that are left are family members, and the boundaries still help keep things better than they were. One of the hardest events was that I completely cut a good friend out of my life, after she used and used me, then accused me of creating her ‘meth’ problem by not being there for her! I hated to do it, but it was the best decision for me. She had sucked me dry before I finally cut the cord. my life is much healthier since I learned to create boundaries for family and friends.
Good for you Elaine!